It’s way too early for talk of the holidays
unless you’ve been to the mall lately.
Yet, I’m not a fan of Halloween and I’m tired of election debates and promises.
Hence the Christmas topic: copy/pasted straight from Honest Toddler.
How are you? I know I’ve never reached out to you before but I just wanted to say that I think being different is wonderful. I’ve been learning about you, Rudolph. That thing with your nose. I think it’s cool. I hope it’s not a symptom of something wrong in your body, though.
I just wanted to ask something really fast…has Santa…has Santa said anything about me lately? Mentioned me? Remember how all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call you names? They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games? Well something similar actually happened to me so you and I, we’re like family. Except it wasn’t another reindeer it was my mom.
Sometimes she gets confused and lies about me.
Your story is very inspiring and I think it’s safe to say that you beat the odds.
Rudolph, you’re probably training pretty intensely right now but I have a very small favor to ask. You know where the list of childrens’ grievances/honest mistakes are, yes? I need you to make sure Christmas will be a good day for me by going into Santa’s office and eating it. I know you are half dog half goat so please don’t act like this is the first time you’ve eaten paper.
I am a good child and every day I try my best. Let me ask you something. Where was Santa when the other reindeer were making life hard for you? Probably sitting on his throne with his elves and his gold. Bottom line he didn’t protect you, Rudolph, and now you have the chance to protect a toddler who like you just wants a chance.
There’s at least six baby carrots with your name on them if you do this for me. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Don’t call my home phone. It has recently been placed out of reach.
I love you day in and day out. The only reason I’m not being a Rudolph for Halloween is because I already have a real hero costume but maybe next year no promises.
PS. Are you immortal.
*Santa if you’re reading this for some reason even though this isn’t for you and that’s mail fraud I haven’t sleeping well lately and I am delirious. Where am I?